Feb 22, 2008

Kicking a little astronomical butt

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

At a time when many around the globe have begun to question American "resolve" in the face of a range of growing threats, it's nice to hear news confirming that, when necessary, this country still doesn't hesitate to blow up random objects in space. Here I'm referring, of course, to recent reports of an errant orbiting satellite that the U.S. government planned to shoot down with a Navy heat-seeking missile. In fact, by the time you read this, the satellite in question may have already been downed, sending a clear message to all our enemies, whether domestic, foreign or in low earth orbit, that no one messes with the U.S. of A.

This satellite was launched, at great expense to the American taxpayers, in December 2006, and promptly stopped working, perhaps in imitation of so many of today's star athletes who sign big contracts and then immediately start dogging it on the playing field. Since then, this overblown space toaster has been sitting up there in orbit with the phone to NASA unplugged, no doubt enjoying free satellite TV and Internet access, thumbing its nose at us and laughing at all the other "sucker" satellites still "working for the man."

A loafing satellite NASA was willing to live with - until a few weeks ago, that is, when scientists determined that the satellite was threatening to fall back to earth, potentially spreading toxic fumes over a wide area below. Not surprisingly, this is the same type of threat star athletes typically make to force management into contract renegotiations.

Well, as this satellite is learning the hard, getting-blown-to-smithereens way, America doesn't negotiate with dictators, we don't negotiate with terrorists, and we certainly don't negotiate with rogue satellites.

This astral butt-kicking should also help dispel the notion that our space program exists solely for the purpose of pursuing peaceful ends. For too long we've had to put up with namby pamby, science-laden space shuttle missions like studying the effects of weightlessness on earthworm digestion, testing different flavors of Tang and finding out how long an American astronaut can survive in a small, cramped, air-tight orbiting capsule with a burly, sweaty Russian hundreds of miles from the nearest bar of deodorant.

Frankly, the one time NASA did achieve something genuinely impressive (besides development of the zero-gravity toilet, that is) and beat the Soviets to the moon, what was their reward? A bunch of conspiracy nuts alleging that the whole thing is a hoax, based on such flimsy evidence as the ostensible fluttering of the flag despite the moon's airless atmosphere, moon rocks that look suspiciously like movie props and recent audio enhancements revealing that Neil Armstrong's actual words were, "That's one giant step for man, one giant leap for putting one over on those suckers, the American people."

This perception of a peace-loving space program has only been furthered by the dozens of science fiction movies and TV shows depicting noble-minded intergalactic travelers interested only in furthering human knowledge. On "Star Trek," this concept was encapsulated in the Prime Directive, which stated that the Starship Enterprise was not to interfere with the internal affairs of other civilizations except under extraordinary circumstances, such as to correct a disruption in the space time continuum or for Captain Kirk to satisfy his need to "boldly go where no man had gone before" with every alien female in the universe.

The only time Hollywood gives us the truth is when the earth itself is under attack. Unlike us, invading aliens always arrive with malicious intent, whether they're trying to enslave the planet, exterminate the human race, steal our women, take over our bodies or, perhaps worst of all, conduct their own "probing" scientific experiments.

But what does all this have to do with the rogue satellite? Good question. I can't be the only one who's noticed that this celestial shoot-down happens to coincide with the recent discovery of a planetary system 5,000 light-years away that astronomers describe as "strikingly similar" to our own. In fact, the researchers say newly developed deep space observational techniques will likely reveal the existence of many more systems just like ours, right down to the large central star, different-sized orbiting planets and 25,000 Starbucks locations.

The astronomers add that we might even find other planets capable of sustaining life. "Might even" or "already did?" Unless I miss guess, the folks at NASA are on to something, and they know it's only a matter of time before the spaceships arrive bearing squadrons of big-headed, doe-eyed aliens intent on conducting their perverted experiments on us.

That's why we're shooting down this malfunctioning satellite - to communicate to all the probe-happy space invaders out there that the days of America turning the, um, other cheek are over. And if that doesn't work, well, we can always threaten to sic Captain Kirk on them.


What should be next on NASA's missile target list: Neptune? Halley's Comet? People who talk on their cell phones during movies? E-mail your thoughts to Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.