May 29, 2008

Read this and get miraculous results

By Bil Paul

I inherited some historical newspapers from 1871 (the Milwaukee Sentinel), evidently saved because they describe the great Chicago fire and Wisconsin's deadly Peshtigo fire of that year.

Other than the riveting and detailed news accounts, the newspaper advertising of 137 years ago is interesting to look at, too. Some of it resembles the stereotype of snake-oil salesmen hawking their wares, while other ads seem almost modern. Or is it that some modern ads seem 1871-ish?

The following are some of the advertisements I found (in italics), each followed by an ad from a variety of today's media, ranging from Internet ads to home-gadget and knickknack catalogs.



Vinegar Bitters ... made from the native roots and herbs of California. ... A perfect renovator and invigorator of the system, carrying off all poisonous matter and restoring the blood to a healthy condition. ... They are ... a powerful agent in relieving congestion or inflammation of the liver and all the visceral organs. ... They ... impart new life and vigor to the entire system.

ColonXtra Cleanse System. This all-natural colon cleansing and detox system features two fast-acting dietary supplements that work to eliminate toxins and impurities without uncomfortable cramping. ... It helps relieve bloating, sluggishness and congested bowels.

Health! Beauty! ... Every drop of the Sarsaparillian Resolvent communicates ... the vigor of life, for it repairs the wastes of the body with new and sound material. ... Every day the patient will feel himself growing better and stronger, the food digesting better and appetite improved. ... "Dr. Radway, I have had an ovarian tumor in the ovaries and bowels. ... I took six bottles of the Resolvent ... and there is not a sign of tumor to be seen or felt."

BioEnergiser D-Tox Health Patches. Wake up to a healthier you! ... A home remedy that goes to work cleansing and healing your body of harmful toxins while you sleep. Easy-to-use foot pads contain 100 percent natural ingredients known to act in harmony with the ultra-sensitive reflexology points on the soles of your feet. Taps into a powerful Chinese healing system. ...

Bethesda Mineral Spring Water ... is the acknowledged cure of the intractable and incurable diseases known as Bright's Disease and diabetes. ... For the liver it is unsurpassed ... It never loses a particle of its medical qualities.

Vitaminwater Power-C is specially formulated with nutrients that enable the body to exert physical power by contributing to structural integrity of the musculoskeletal system, and by supporting optimal generation and utilization of energy from food. ...

Nervous and rheumatic sufferers ... should not fail to consult ... Dr. McNamara. ... He has remedies, with the aid of electricity, that will ... build up the nervous system, restore the sexual powers to their full vigor and the mind to its original cheerfulness and strength.

You can quit smoking in as little as 30 days with Zerosmoke, the revolutionary natural treatment that uses two biomagnets to exert a magnetic field that helps reduce and inhibit the desire to smoke. Just place the ... biomagnets on either side of the ear to activate the body's neurotransmitters and produce endorphins.

Dr. Richau's Golden Elixir D'amour, a radical cure for nervous or general debility, in old or young, imparting energy with wonderful effect.

Extreme pleasure - Vazopren's multi action formula will enhance not only desire and stamina, but the actual sexual experience. Enjoy new sensations and uninhibited satisfaction with the reassurance that Vazopren will not disappoint. Increased libido and sensitivity. Maximum performance boost, instantly!

The Lorraine Vegetable Cathartic Pill ... is far the best cathartic remedy yet discovered, and at once relieves and invigorates all the vital functions. ... In all diseases of the skin, blood, stomach, bowels, liver, kidneys ... it brings prompt relief and certain cure. The best physicians recommend and prescribe it.

IdealCleanse. The ideal way to clean your body from the inside out! Lose weight. Lose waste. Feel better! ... Imagine if you could get rid of all the waste that was trapped inside your body. Do you suffer from any of the following ailments? Excessive weight gain, constipation, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, headaches, irritability/mood swings, poor sleep, constant colds/allergies, irritable bowel, ... excessive gas and bloating, impaired digestion, chronic fatigue. ... parasites, stomach pain, skin and hair problems. These are all symptoms of a toxic colon.

Home Stomach Bitters ... are endorsed and prescribed by more leading physicians than any other tonic or stimulant now in use. They are a sure preventive for fever and ague (and) they are particularly beneficial to females. "I consider them the most valuable tonic and stimulant now in use." - S.H. Melcher, Resident Physician in Charge, U.S. Marine Hospital

Dr. Frank's Joint & Muscle Pain Relief. Helps stop chronic pain from arthritis, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel, sprains, tennis elbow, joint stiffness, muscle strains, sports injuries and more! If you're living with chronic joint and muscle pain or stiffness, then you need to try Dr. Frank's revolutionary all-natural homeopathic remedy. ... Simply spray under your tongue. ...

Merchant's Gargling Oil is good for ... burns and scalds ... toothache ... sore nipples ... frost bites ... hemorrhoids. ... Our testimonials are unsolicited.

Intense Fast Healing Cream. This intense (cream) contains clinically proven natural ingredients to speed the healing of psoriasis, rashes, itching, eczema, pressure sores, diabetic ulcers, dry, cracked skin and other hard-to-heal skin irritations. ... Safe to use on delicate skin areas.

Cherokee Pills No. 2. These pills are an unfailing female regulator, intended for special cases; those obstinate ones where milder and cheaper medicines fail.

... In the Demitage Age Defiance System, patented Lifting Spheres act quickly ... to smooth and soften skin, lighten dark circles and reveal a younger-looking you. "The skin around my eyes is firmer and less puffy than before. " - Mrs. Ginsburg



One major difference between 1871 and today - back then, many remedies promised to add weight, maybe in an era when people worked harder physically, life was more stressful and food wasn't as plentiful.

Although I'm not contesting the effectiveness of the modern products mentioned above, I am quite surprised that a number of beauty treatments and weight-loss products commonly advertised today aren't more tightly regulated in terms of truthfulness. Many seem like creative fiction. Then there's the matter of those laughable before-and-after photos.



Bil Paul's column appears Thursdays in the Daily News. Reach him at natural_born_writer@yahoo.com.